Monday, April 29, 2013
Anybody Out There?
I'm back if anybody is still out there. I have so much to say but it is really late but here goes. Last year in May Jay hit me and threw me out. Luckily by the grace of God a family from the church took me in and then I got my disability money. Robert and I are divorced as of 9:15am April 18, 2013 and he is paying me as well. Robert and I talk when we have the time. Jay is still in my life but sadly still an addict. I don't think he realizes how much I cared about him or how much I did for him. Even though I was living with the family from my church I continued to provide for Jay out of sheer stupidity. I thought I was getting him food and gas so he could go to work but as it turns out he was wasting it at bars and liquor stores. What was I thinking? I know, I know. I did get my own apartment but had to move out because of a woman that was stalking me and threatening to kill me. I would kill to have a place of my own again because I made the rules and I was in control and did as I pleased. Sadly right now I can't afford it. There just is no way. Right now I'm living in a double wide with a roommate named Shelly. I would have loved living with Shelly if she did not criticize me so much or do things that she knows are wrong. It's a never ending cycle I always seem to find people who ruin my life whether it's physically or emotionally. The family from church adopted me and they call me their daughter. I call them Mom and Dad out of respect and they continually encourage me to be a better person. Right now I have no plans to work. I'm just going to live on the disability for a little while. I talked to my step-father yesterday. He actually called me out of the blue and we have a civil, dare I say, pleasant conversation. He said if I can set some goals and show him I am serious in nine months I may go back to school. I am thinking about teaching because I am excellent with children. I am helping Robert with his schooling. I just completed a ten page paper on global warming. It almost made me loathe writing. Which is sad because writing is one of my strongest passions. I'm even writing an article for a magazine about Mental Health. I'm excited. I wish I could say I was doing better and am more stable but then I would be a liar. Shelly never has a nice word to say to me these days and I find myself hiding in my room away from everybody else because I detest confrontation. I try very hard to hold it all together but I am used to failing and I expect it will happen again. I haven't met anybody special yet but Robert and I were separated living in two different states for nearly four years and it's been over a year since I lived with Jay. I know it's apart of my BPD to be attached to someone because in them I find my identity and I know that is wrong. I am going to therapy but I just don't feel comfortable sharing about myself. Besides shes a Masters student so she will be gone in June and I'll have to start all over with a new therapist. It really sucks having to open up old wounds continuously. I'm not sure what else to say. My grandfather recently passed away and I am suffering and grieving. He raised me as a teenager and taught me so much. I feel like I will never get to Heaven and see his smiling face. How could I possibly when I let Shelly do things she shouldn't? I know God is there and I know he loves me but I also know I have turned my back on him and done whatever I wanted to even though I knew it was wrong. I would give anything to find stability and have a peaceful life. Despite what others say I do not I repeat do not love chaos. Yes it's what I know but no it's not what I crave. I honestly believe I can only go up from these ashes and rubble and become the person I was meant to be. If anybody still looks at this I would love to hear from you. It's been a very long time, but God willing I will keep you posted.
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