Monday, April 29, 2013

Anybody Out There?

I'm back if anybody is still out there.  I have so much to say but it is really late but here goes.  Last year in May Jay hit me and threw me out. Luckily by the grace of God a family from the church took me in and then I got my disability money. Robert and I are divorced as of 9:15am April 18, 2013 and he is paying me as well.  Robert and I talk when we have the time.  Jay is still in my life but sadly still an addict.  I don't think he realizes how much I cared about him or how much I did for him. Even though I was living with the family from my church I continued to provide for Jay out of sheer stupidity.  I thought I was getting him food and gas so he could go to work but as it turns out he was wasting it at bars and liquor stores.  What was I thinking? I know, I know.  I did get my own apartment but had to move out because of a woman that was stalking me and threatening to kill me.  I would kill to have a place of my own again because I made the rules and I was in control and did as I pleased. Sadly right now I can't afford it. There just is no way.  Right now I'm living in a double wide with a roommate named Shelly.  I would have loved living with Shelly if she did not criticize me so much or do things that she knows are wrong. It's a never ending cycle I always seem to find people who ruin my life whether it's physically or emotionally. The family from church adopted me and they call me their daughter.  I call them Mom and Dad out of respect and they continually encourage me to be a better person.  Right now I have no plans to work.  I'm just going to live on the disability for a little while.  I talked to my step-father yesterday.  He actually called me out of the blue and we have a civil, dare I say, pleasant conversation.  He said if I can set some goals and show him I am serious in nine months I may go back to school.  I am thinking about teaching because I am excellent with children.  I am helping Robert with his schooling.  I just completed a ten page paper on global warming.  It almost made me loathe writing.  Which is sad because writing is one of my strongest passions.  I'm even writing an article for a magazine about Mental Health. I'm excited.  I wish I could say I was doing better and am more stable but then I would be a liar.  Shelly never has a nice word to say to me these days and I find myself hiding in my room away from everybody else because I detest confrontation.  I try very hard to hold it all together but I am used to failing and I expect it will happen again.  I haven't met anybody special yet but Robert and I were separated living in two different states for nearly four years and it's been over a year since I lived with Jay. I know it's apart of my BPD to be attached to someone because in them I find my identity and I know that is wrong.  I am going to therapy but I just don't feel comfortable sharing about myself. Besides shes a Masters student so she will be gone in June and I'll have to start all over with a new therapist.  It really sucks having to open up old wounds continuously.  I'm not sure what else to say. My grandfather recently passed away and I am suffering and grieving. He raised me as a teenager and taught me so much. I feel like I will never get to Heaven and see his smiling face. How could I possibly when I let Shelly do things she shouldn't?  I know God is there and I know he loves me but I also know I have turned my back on him and done whatever I wanted to even though I knew it was wrong.  I would give anything to find stability and have a peaceful life. Despite what others say I do not I repeat do not love chaos.  Yes it's what I know but no it's not what I crave. I honestly believe I can only go up from these ashes and rubble and become the person I was meant to be.  If anybody still looks at this I would love to hear from you. It's been a very long time, but God willing I will keep you posted.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Cole Marie,

    I'm still here. I am very relieved that you are safe and that you have been getting the disability money. I was worried about you. Please keep writing here. I will be a faithful reader and will leave comments. And if you have the urge at all to email me personally, you can find a link to my email on the profile page of my Yin And Yang blog. I would love to give you some support through friendship. I know you have self esteem issues (me, too), but I have to say that I think that you are quite a wonderful individual. Your life has meaning, and that's why I hope you continue to take the time to write in this blog. I have you on my blog list, so I can remember to read your writing and maybe others will also find you.

    Kate, : )

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